"Former Theremin player for Steve Miller Band, the son of a coal miner and a french person impersonator, Artaxerxes grew up like any other kid. Constantly listening to music to get away form the unending screaming of his parents about all of the obvious reasons they should have never married and brought their useless children into this world. Since the age of three Artaxerxes has played music. Starting out imitating the sounds he was hearing and eventually moving on to writing his own music. Artaxerxes wrote his first song at the age of six. He began seriously studying music at the age of ten from a man who saw him singing and banging out rhythms in the grocery store one day while out with his mother. By the time he was through junior high Artaxerxes had been in several bands. He dropped out of high school to pursue his musical career. He moved out to LA like everybody else does and will do to start their music career. He played in clubs and cafes and anywhere else that would let him. Unfortunately he never played for more than a few minutes because Artaxerxes's music has and forever will be above the minds of the mere the mortal idiots that frequent this world. But, one night all of the effort and hard work paid off. After a set at a local cafe Artaxerxes was approached by a man who introduced himself as Maurice. He told Artaxerxes that he was starting a band and that he thought he would be perfect for it. The two of them started writing songs together and soon began touring. Immediately they were loved and adored by all. But, what they were missing was the perfect name. Maurice wanted to call the band The Gangsters' of Love or Maurice and the Space Cowboys, but Artaxerxes knew better. Eventually they struck a compromise with Steve Miller Band. Artaxerxes got it from the fact that his uncle always told him that would be a great name for a band. The name is plain and inoffensive plus it says band in it so there is no confusion as to what the group does. Over time they grew to critical acclaim and just when it seemed as if it couldn't get any better god came along and ripped everything away from Artaxerxes that he loved. Which is pretty much himself and his music. It was the strangest accident the doctors had ever heard of and how he survived it and continues to survive after it baffles even the greatest of medical minds. One day that not even Artaxerxes can fully recall he was walking down the street and a pigeon landed on a piano that was being moved up to the second floor of an apartment when suddenly the rope holding it up snapped and the piano came crashing down from the sky and landed on the sidewalk hurting absolutely no one. Then suddenly a mad man who thought he was Christopher Walken, and very well could have been, came out from behind a small truck and cut off Artaxerxes's head. What exactly, if anything, these two events have to do with each other is still being discussed by some of the greatest philosophical minds in the world today. Since they are the only who really care and have enough time on their hands to waste discussing it. He was rushed to the hospital where his body was immediately thrown into the incinerator due to a clerical error and the doctors just had to sew up the bottom of his neck and hope for the best. Artaxerxes awoke to find his only friend Maurice standing over him. The doctors rushed in and began to try to figure out what the hell just happened. After hearing the news Artaxerxes begged to be put out of his misery, but no one dared touch him for fear of bringing about the apocalypse. He was brought home by his friend Maurice where they had a long talk about Artaxerxes's future with the band and they both realized it would be very hard to play the Theremin without any arms, matter of fact without any body whatsoever, since you kind of need to stand behind it and waves your arms around a lot, occasionally screaming out quotes from a farmer's almanac. The latter isn't exactly necessary to playing the instrument and didn't actually end up on any of the bands records, but it adds to the performance in a live setting. So, that night they parted ways. Over time Artaxerxes and Maurice grew apart and stopped contacting each other all together. Eventually Artaxerxes turned to drugs to sooth his problems and he fell into a deep dark pit of despair. But now after a long arduous journey back from the worse place Artaxerxes has been in his life, Salt Lake City Utah, he is back. With the advent of digital technology Artaxerxes is able to make music again and he doesn't even have to try that hard anymore. He has a new found genius that is simply pouring from his brain. Of course it is still hard to operate a computer with no body, but you would be surprised what can be done with a nose and some perseverance. The point is that Artaxerxes is back and is ready to bring to the world what it so obviously needs and secretly desires. The face of music is about to change forever."
-Rolling Stone Magazine, 1983, page 84
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