Laughing at my nightmares...

Important contemplations...

 

Call now in the next ten minutes!!!

Do you like cocoa?

Yes we do.

How about some cheese and friend potatoes?

Making paper airplanes in other languages is the secret to dividing fractions

Don't forget that you brush your teeth and it's not the other way around

Find the buried treasure using the map and you'll win the prize of friendship!!!

Hooray for hot air ballon rides through tunnels of cotton candy!

A fair and balanced report on our nation's economy,

brought to you by literature.

 
 

Dragonslayer?

 

Have you ever looked in the mirror and asked yourself, Do I like unicorns or do I LOVE unicorns? Maybe it’s time you did. If you don’t then one day you might wake up and realize that you are one fruit salad short of sealing the deal on that web-based timeshare in Florida you are 81% sure is not swampland. When I wake up I am already asking myself these kinds of things. I don’t waste any time. I am all questions, all the time. Or maybe it’s more like 43% VHS and 57% DVD. With 14% of said DVD’s being rented that I am never returning, duh.
If I had to look back on my life and ask myself if I liked papaya or do I prefer to pay sales tax? I would most definitely say that I wish I lived in an era where space travel was commonplace and the laser rifles looked like tommy gun replicas and everyone ended every sentence with “space” no matter what they were saying... space.
All I’m saying is that maybe you should find yourself? Not the self you use a TomTom to “navigate” to an overcrowded tourist trap made in the long ago era of 1922! But, rather the self that eats cream cheese straight from the can while watching Scrubs because you just don’t give a shit about watching your weight anymore and you deserve it after such a long, hard day at work. The self that says yes to Pauly Shore and no to hanging laundry out to dry next to a wheat field on a warm summer day.
If i had to choose, I would totally go with what’s in the box every time.

The Robo-Teddy 6009!!!

Do you ever get jealous of the toys kids get to play with these days? Sometimes I look back at what I got to play with and to be honest I’m a little jealous. Not that I am ungrateful for what I did have. Lord knows I adored my G.I. Joe, Ninja Turtels, and He-Man toys. It just seems like some of the stuff kids are playing with today makes me feel like I was in the stone age of toys and they get to live in the 24th and a half century. Thankfully I had my imagination to get me through my playing. Hell, I’m probably much better off.

 

Fearful of the magistrate

   

Live Performance Video...

Here is a video a friend of mine made of me performing live.  From the looks of it, the footage is from my second show ever.  Hope you guys like it. 

The wave of the new future

Imagine a world where no one worries about food because we are fed over a vast wireless nutrient network that covers the globe, except France.  

Imagine a world where every fifteen minutes twelve people find five dollars on the ground.  

Imagine a world where there is peace and prosperity, not because it’s profitable, but because we were told by an intergalactic group of aliens to change our ways or face total annihilation.  

Imagine a world where legless dogs float everywhere thanks to our mastery of gravity.  Imagine a world where glass isn’t an endangered species, it’s a way of life.  

Imagine a world where we finally realized that the moon’s control over the tides was causing massive flooding and draught, so we blew it up with nukes and things haven’t been better since.  

Imagine a world where we clone people like John Lennon and Adolf Hitler just to lock them in a room and see if they get along.  

Imagine a world where commercials are broadcast on the inside of our eyelids and everybody really hates the guy who’s idea that was.

The wave of the new future

Imagine a world where sunglasses are made from the sun

Imagine a world imagination is no longer needed since we’ve thought of everything

Imagine a world where glue sniffing is a sport.

Imagine a world email is the new snail mail and telepathy is the new email.

Imagine a world where music is only recorded underwater by fish.

Imagine a world where dance parties are thrown up in the clouds on floors made of titanium.

Imagine a world where keychains are currency

Imagine a world where fire trucks are powered by the fires they put out.

Imagine a world where restaurants serve food that glows and it’s supposed to be that way.

Imagine a world where even thumb tacks use lasers.

The wave of the new future

The wave of the new future

The wave of the new future

Analogous ventures...

Penguins fight zombies

Zombies fight penguins

Zombies bite penguins

Penguins become zombies

ZOMBIE PENGUINS!!!

Dairy farmers fight zombies

Zombies fight dairy farmers

Zombies bite dairy farmers

Dairy farmers become zombies

ZOMBIE DAIRY FARMERS!!!

Hipsters fight zombies

Zombies fight hipsters

Zombies bite hipsters

Hipsters become zombies

ZOMBIE HIPSTERS!!!

 

 

Born from gargantuans...

   

The Wanderer of the Night...

 

    Jon Richman wandered the night.  The rain poured down from the sky like spit from an old man’s corn cob pipe.  He wandered the streets alone, lost in his thoughts.  Why hadn’t he seen it coming?  Could he ever be forgiven?  Will the cast of the Facts of Life ever fight the cast of Seinfeld in a no holds barred bounce house water balloon fight on Pay-Per-View?

    As he walked the streets the lights shined down on him; the lights gave him strength and reminded him he was alive.  A penguin holding a sign that said “The End is Nigh!!!!” asked him if he had a cigarette.

    “What do I look like? A foreign policy advisor?” replied Jon.

    He had no time to be dealing with birds that don’t fly needing nicotine whilst proclaiming the apocalypse is upon us.  He had a mission.  He had a purpose.  He had a sandwich at home in the fridge.  The rain stopped for a second and then came back even harder as if Mother Nature was saying, gotcha.  He was reminded of the time a high school teacher of his brought in a hula hoop to demonstrate that no matter how hard one tries, some things just can’t be learned and one has to accept that and get a job as a janitor.

    As a car drove by the passenger leaned out the window asking people to throw money at him.  One person threw a shoe, two others threw rocks.  The man in the car was a resurrected Abraham Lincoln.  The men who threw rocks were Henry Kissinger and Lloyd Bridges.  Jon thought about asking for their autographs but realized he had no time and should save his energy for the journey through his soul he was about to partake.  Jon Richman had no time to waste; he could no longer delay the inevitable choice ahead of him.  He continued onward into the dark abyss that was the darkened Earth.

    An acoustic guitar was being played in the distance.  The raindrops seemed to amplify the sound in a way that reminded him of his favorite television show as a child, CHIPS.  Erik Estrada could be stopped by no man.  He was all a hero should be and nothing else.  Then Jon Richman realized that whoever was playing the acoustic guitar was playing the Twilight Zone theme and that just made him sad.  The kind of sad that could only be cured by powdered doughnuts and brazilian coffee.  

    “Oh why do you tempt me fate, you foul temptress!”  Jon Richman screamed

    “Why must I bear this burden!”  he screamed again.

    “Gorgonzola cheese should never be put into a VCR!”  Jon advised loudly.

    He made the final turn down the alley and came to the point he had been fearing his entire night journey of darkness.  The moment was upon him, the time had come.  At the end of this alley were two doors.  Each of them led to very different places, places he could not come back from once he made his choice.  He stood and stared at the doors.  On one door was the periodic table of the elements drawn in ketchup and on the other, a poster of Shirley Temple with her head replaced with that of Zach Galifianakis.

    He breathed in, he sighed, he made his choice.

And the night wanderer was gone...